


I need you more than dope

by iridescention, twinkrope



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-23
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-08 13:21:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5498528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iridescention/pseuds/iridescention, https://archiveofourown.org/users/twinkrope/pseuds/twinkrope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis and Harry believed being out would make them stronger as a couple, but little did they know, it caused more tension. A fight causes Harry to leave. What happens on the way home causes a major change in both of their lives forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Might not awake without you

They were supposed to be together. “meant to be” is what everyone called them. Outsiders looked in on their beautiful relationship with wide eyes, completely and utterly in awe of how amazing they seemed to fit together. No one knew what happened behind closed doors and truly how different things were from the inside. Louis and Harry worked adamantly on fixing their issues, but no matter what they did nothing seemed mend the bruises completely.

“Louis! Harry! Look here!”

“Look to the right! No, the left!”

“Boys!” The paparazzi’s screamed directions to the pair who were awkwardly holding each other and plastering on their best fake smiles. This appearance was extremely hard, not only because it was their first public facade as a outed couple, but because the two had just finished yelling curses and threats at each other. This outrageous fighting became the norm ever since they decided on being open about their relationship to the general public. Before this the only arguments they got into was who would make dinner that specific night or what movie they’d watch. everything was easier when they were hidden.

Harry leaned over and planted a forced, emotionless kiss to louis’ pressed lips which made the photographers gasp with excitement and click their cameras even faster than before. The bright flashes blinded the couple as they continued their walk down the red carpet, arms tightly around each other. At the end of the runway, they stepped into the venue. The two would wait there until Niall and Liam finish getting their pictures taken with their dates and then the eight of them would enter the award ceremony together. Louis muttered something under his breath as they waited, but Harry decided to ignore him, not trusting himself enough to speak. Louis always made him feel at home, but at that very moment harry felt more homesick than ever.

Liam, Danielle, Niall, and Selena walked off the red carpet moments after all smiles and lovey dovey. Harry smiled at them, secretly wishing him and Louis were still in that stage of their relationship instead of this dark, emotional one.

“Alright, lads?” Niall grins, slapping Louis’ shoulder and shooting a wink at Harry.

“Wonderful actually!” Louis responds, guiding the group to find their seats. Harry huffs as he sits next to his boyfriend, annoyed with the way the nights going already.

“Hey, I’m sorry, let’s try to have a good time tonight, alright? we can talk about how shitty we are after.” Louis whispers into Harry’s ear, pecking his cheek and making eye contact with him before focusing back on the show that’s about to start.

“S’okay” Harry mumbles back, not sincerely meaning it, nor accepting his apology.

Harry tried to put the whole situation behind him and move forward, but no matter what he thinks about it always leads back to what’s going on between Louis and him. The boys win three awards and Harry doesn't even smile as he thanks the fans and management for all they’ve done for them. The night ends early for him because the sound of an after party makes him queasy. He knows Louis will ditch him for it and come home ungodly late, drunk off his ass, but he pushes that to the back of his mind as he walks to their hotel room alone. Unlocking the door, he feels the sudden urge to leave again, but he locks himself inside anyways.

Thirty minutes pass and still all he can think is:

_I need to leave. I need to leave. I need to leave._

So that’s exactly what he does. Throwing all his extra clothes into a bag, he runs to the small dining room to leave a note for Louis.

_Louis,_

_I went home. Doesn’t seem like you need me here anyways. See you at home,_

_(if you do come home)_

_Harry._

And just like that he left. Pulling his hood up, he walked to the airport. Tears steadily dripped from his eyes as he made his way onto the plane. Thanks to the award show after party, the walk to and travel through the airport was easy. He wasn’t stopped even once the entire way. Now, he sat at the very back of the plane sobbing quietly and trying hard to rest. The flight had few people on it because no one really wanted to go from Los Angeles to London on a Friday night after one of the biggest American award shows. Harry did though.

Unfortunately, Harry didn’t fall right asleep after take off like usual. It made sense to him though because usually Louis was curled up next to him.


	2. Don't leave me, Id hate myself until I die

At 3:15 am, Louis entered the empty hotel suite.

Also, at 3:15 am, Harry’s plane hit the ground.

Louis didn’t know that as he read the letter his boyfriend left him on the dining table.

He didn’t know that all night as he slept terribly without Harry.

He didn’t know that as he woke up to his phone going off constantly.

He did however find out when he answered one of the calls from Harry’s sister.

“Louis? hello?” Gemma sputters,

“Yes love? Everything alright?” Louis asks, worried about her tone.

“No….H-harry’s...his” she gets cut off, “what? Harry’s what?” Louis almost screams, so frantic and nervous.

“His plane c-c-crashed, he’s probably not gonna make it.” She eventually gets out with a sob. Louis doesn’t quite understand what to say in return so he just drops his phone. As his phone hits the floor so does he.

_This is my fault. He left because of me. He’s dying because of me. He may even already be dead.. because of me. I did this. No no no no no no no._

Louis’ sobs and moans are all that is heard from Gemma’s side of the phone and he feels bad for making her pity him so he hangs up. He puts his hands to his face and rubs as he remembers what had happened right before the award show just a few hours before.

_“Can you stop smoking for five minutes? Jesus Christ Lou! This is getting out of hand, you’re literally going to kill yourself!” Harry yells, running his hand through his hair, “I’m so fucking tired of you puffing and smelling like smoke every second of the day!” “It’s not that big of a deal! You think I smell? Kay let me get some more cologne than, you twat!” Louis spits, looking for cologne and getting angrier by the second. “No, Louis, you know that’s not the real issue you here. Smoking is bad for your health and your voice. We’re in the world’s biggest boy band for christ’s sake! you can’t ruin your voice just because you thinking smoking’s cool!” Harry grabs Louis and makes him face him so they two are eye to eye._

_“Bullshit, Harry, fucking bullshit! I’m not gonna let you dictate my life for me! I’m so over this shit! Who gives a fuck if my voice gets shitty, no one gives a fuck about me anyways, it all you and Liam! So don’t sit here and fucking tell me that my voice is needed in this goddamn band when it’s not. I smoke because I want to, not because I think it's cool by the way.” Louis turns back around, not wanting to face the boy that’s making him feel worse about himself than ever._

_“This is such bullshit, I can’t believe you're being so ignorant about this.” Harry mumbles, walking away so he can change before the show._

_“Why don’t you just fucking leave me then, Harry? Just leave me. I don’t need you anyways!” Louis yells, walking out of the dressing room and preparing to go on the red carpet._

Now he knew he should’ve ate those words. He shouldn’t of let them slip because now Harry left him. Not verbally, but physically. He is most likely not going to see another day and the last day he lived would have been spent fighting with his boyfriend. Louis felt like a piece of shit. No he didn’t feel like a piece a shit, he was a piece of shit. How could he do this? How could he lose the only person he ever loved and the only person that ever loved him? Before thoroughly thinking up a plan, Louis phoned his mum and explained the situation. She already knew. Of course she did, she’s Harry’s mum’s best friend. He packed his bags quickly, throwing on one of the sweatshirts Harry left and a pair of old joggers before rushing out of the suite. He didn’t even think about checking out, the keepers would hopefully understand. Running past mobs of fans, Louis hopped into a taxi and directed the driver to take him to the nearest airport. Fans were chasing the car and pushing each other down, but he couldn’t even think to make sure they were okay. He got on the next flight and anxiously sat through it; Harry being the only thing on his mind. He prayed that Harry would wake up to see the light of day at least one more time and to spend his last day not so terribly. He hated having to sit on this eleven hour flight when he should be sitting next to Harry’s hospital bed, whispering “I love you’s” and “I’m sorry’s.” He should be kissing his bruised face and covering him with extra blankets just in case he’s cold. It isn’t long before Louis’ in the plane bathroom, sobbing uncontrollably and staring at his disgusted reflection. Why was he such a fuckup? Why’d he have to ruin every good thing in his life? Harry was the best thing that ever happened to him and he lost him. After calming down, he decided it would be a good idea to get back to his seat so other passengers wouldn't get angry for taking time in the toilet. He made his way back to his seat, not making eye contact with any other the people staring at him. He didn’t want to communicate with anyone. Sliding earbuds in his ears, Dope by Lady Gaga came on shuffle.

_My heart would break without you_

_Might not awake without you_

_Been hurting low from living high for so long_

_I'm sorry, and I love you_

_Sing with me, "Bell Bottom Blue"_

_I'll keep on searching for an answer 'cause I need you more than dope_

Breaking down another time, Louis slid as far down in his seat as possibly. He knew at this very moment he’d do anything to make his boy happy and for Harry not to leave him. He couldn’t be left alone in this world. He knew it was selfish of him to think that, but he needed Harry and he hoped maybe Harry needed him as well. With that thought, Louis fell into a deep sleep that lasted the duration of the flight.

As the plane landed, he phoned his mum again hoping she was the one to pick him up after the flight. There’s sometimes that you need a mother’s love, and Louis knew that this was one of those times.

“Mum? Are you here?” he whispered, hiding behind one of his security guards.

“Yes Lou, Just outside, they’ll bring you here.” she says, before hanging up. Louis found that strange, but went along with it anyways. Girls followed, attempting to take pictures and screaming apologizes for Harry, but Louis blocked it all out. He didn’t care at that moment. He didn’t care what anyone believed or thought or wanted, except for Harry. He needed Harry right now and that’s all he cared about.

Louis made his way out to the tinted car to find him mum in the driver’s seat.

“‘Ello” is all he can get out before breaking down all over again.

“How is this possibly, mum? How could I let this happen? How could I lose him? I’m a terrible, selfish asshole! I can’t fucking live like this anymore!” He was screaming then, punching the dashboard and attempting to wipe his eyes. He was so angry and upset and there’s nothing he could even do about it because the love of his life was about to die. He’d have to live with it and he knew he couldn’t.

Johannah’s motherly instincts crashed in and she leant over to give her son a comforting hug. Her fingers combed through Louis’ feathery, soft hair as his face was tucked into her shoulder. Louis’ sobs and whimpers were muffled by Johannah’s sweater. Louis wanted to crawl over the seat and be soothed by her warm embrace, but he also wanted to get to the hospital as soon as possible, so he decided to stay where he was.

“C’mon Mum, I’ve got this, let’s make our way to see him.” Louis voiced, squeezing Johannah’s shoulder before turning away to face the road ahead.

_He’s going to see his boy…. His dying boy….. He did this to him…. He did this…._

The thoughts alone caused Louis to shatter for what seemed like the thousandth time that day. Jay kept glancing his way, whispering apologies and “it will be okay’s.” It wasn’t though and Louis knew that. The ride was extremely short and filled with his cries.

When they got out of the car, photographers were there to meet them. Louis clutched onto his mother as they pushed through the paparazzi’s spitting rude slurs and snapping obnoxious amounts of pictures. Louis couldn’t get himself to care as he covered his tear stained face with one hand.

The walk through the hospital halls was a blur, the only thing focused in Louis’ mind was Harry. The sounds of nurses talking and gurneys and carts rolling down the shiny tile were all faded out by his thoughts.

“130B.” The desk attendant said, directing the two to Harry’s room. Johannah grabbed Louis’ upper arm and guided him down the hall until she found the room. He reached his hand to touch the handle, his small hand touched instantly to feel the empty, cold sensation.

“Here we go….” Louis mumbled, opening the door.


	3. I'm sorry, and I love you

The hospital room was massive and pale. Harry was laid in a queen sized mattress, eyes closed, mouth open, with gashes all over his face and exposed skin. Louis came to realize that Harry was not just asleep, but in a coma. This worried Louis more than ever because it made it seem like Harry was inching closer and closer to death.

_“He’s probably not gonna make it.” Gemma mumbled in the phone._

Louis replayed the phone call in his head over and over as he sat next to Harry’s bed, stroking his miniscule hands over Harry’s giant, scraped ones. Anne, Gemma, and Johannah all thought it was better for Louis to face the broken and bruised mess Harry was alone than with them all clouding the room as well. This frightened Louis a little more than need be. He was so worried because what if Harry decided to give up and let his heart stop while Louis caressed his broken body? What if Harry’s cracked ribs puncture his weak lungs and leave him breathless in the worst possible way? So many questions swirled around in Louis’ explosive mind and it scared him to death. All Louis could do is sit next to Harry’s fragile, scarred body and hope for the best.

_Cork's off, it's on_

_The party's just begun_

_**I promise** _

_This drink is my last one_

**_I know I fucked up again_ **

_Because **I lost my only friend**_

_God forgive my sins_

**_Don't leave me,_ ** _I_

_Oh I will hate myself until I **die**_

The lyrics escaped Louis’ frowned mouth before he could stop, tears streaming rapidly down his face. He couldn’t get himself to wiped them away as he pecked Harry’s cheek, promising to return to him tomorrow because he couldn’t let himself stay any longer. This was too difficult and Johannah knew it as soon as Louis dragged out of the hospital room and lunged into her arms. The two obnoxiously sobbed into each other’s shoulders, whispering illiterate things. Anne watched from a distance, tearing up because who knew if she’d ever be able to hold her own son again. Louis went to her next, holding her tighter than ever before.

“I love you, Anne and I love your boy so much, I’m so sorry for doing this to him. This is all my fault and I will forever take the blame for it. I hope everything turns out alright with him because he’s the only person that I ever truly loved. He’s the most beautiful individual I’ve ever been faced with, inside and out and I have to thank you for that.” Louis muttered into her strawberry scented hair, “I’m gonna come back here everyday until he wakes up and even then. I want to be here every step of the way, through recover and after. I love him so damn much.”

Anne smiles hearing this, glad to know that someone else has hope for her only son’s life.

“He’ll make it, I know he will, he’s a strong one. And I hope you know that he loves you just as much as you love him, Louis.”

That relaxed Louis a bit more and with one more pat of Anne’s shoulder he let go, wiping his eyes and giving her a small smile. Johannah hugged her best friend and then retrieved Louis’ hand and led the way back to the parking lot. Pictures of Harry’s damaged body flooded his mind and thoughts of hope seemed to diminish. The constant streams of salty tears that slid down his flushed face became unknown to Louis as he could no longer feel them. His tiny body became numb to all feelings, unable to feel anything but overwhelming horror and sadness. The car ride home was mute, Louis attempted to stifle his sobs and make no conversation with his mother or the guard in the back seat. Johannah managed to calm her motherly instincts as she drove silently to the house she let her children grow in. The house was small, but not miniscule, and Louis loved it so much. Being on tour loads led to him never being able to visit, so when he could he took advantage of the ancient, beautiful mess. Walking in the door, Louis was engulfed in the familiar scent of homeliness and baked goods. The cold of his breaking heart melted away a tad as he continued on through the house. This of course changed when he saw the calendar on the red painted wall above the garbage. A colorful picture of Liam, Niall, Harry, and himself was shown with “November” and all the dates written below it. Johannah noticed and quickly ripped down the memory filled planner.

“No, it’s alright mum, just thinking about the boys I guess..” Louis states, taking the calendar back and placing it back on the hook. He hoped the two others knew what happened with Harry and hoped they were doing alright with it. He wondered if he should call for them.

“They know; Niall and Liam. I called them the night Anne called me. Wanted them to hear it from one of us before the news got a hold of it.” Johannah answered Louis’ silent questions, earning a nod from him in return. “You know Lou, I understand they’re not Harry, but those two are your and Harry’s best friends. They’ll need support and will support you during this tough shit. You need to allow them to. Give them a ring soon.”

And with that Johannah exited the kitchen, making her way to one of Louis’ little sisters. Louis took his time at the kitchen table, thinking about what he should do. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, not his sisters, not his mum, not Liam or Niall, just Harry and he couldn’t. He needed advice on this situation and the only person he could think to ask is Harry, but Harry was the one dying. Louis pulled out his phone and clicked to his messages to see five from Liam.

_Mate, Niall and I are coming home._

_Be strong, okay?_

_He’ll be fine._

_We love you Louis_

_We’re getting on a flight now, I’ll text you when we land. Love you x_

Seeing those messages brought some hope to Louis’ heart. At least he had friends that could somewhat relate and promised to be here for him. Clicking off the messaging app he decided to look through some tweets. The fans had been tweeting him constantly, questioning every detail of what happened to his boy. Blaming their management for making this a “publicity” stunt, saying Harry just wanted to commit suicide, sending links from fanfics that turned out somewhat just like that. This worried Louis, but didn’t want to speak out on it yet, so he closed the app and put his phone back down, anxiously waiting for Niall and Liam’s arrival.

Whispers were heard down the hall as Louis’ five little sisters and little brother made their way to capture him in the warmest hug known to man. Lottie, the oldest pecked his cheek and smeared away fallen tears. Ernest reached his tiny baby hands to Louis’ stubble, giggling and lightly hitting Louis’ face. Louis couldn’t not smile at the bubbly toddler and cracked a small smile. Eventually, the eldest boy decided it would be a good idea to get away and have some alone time before putting his saddest on the little ones. He was currently withdrawing from the nicotine, and needed something to calm him down before he hurt someone else. Lottie and Felicite noticed the slight shift of his face and nodded as they got the children to leave Louis alone so he could process his thoughts. Before they were all out of the room, he was already running to the front door, pulling out a cigarette box. The purple lighter came out next as he lit a glowing orange flame and pressed it to the tip of the skinny cigarette. Louis placed it in his mouth, sucking in as much as he could, holding it in for as long as possible before breathing it out again. After his first smoke, he quickly remembered why Harry left and threw the coffin nail to the ground, stomping on it over and over.

Louis was so ashamed for going back to the one thing that caused the whole blow up. Smoking. If he would’ve realized how much of an idiot he was for smoking and didn’t fight back to Harry, Harry would’ve stayed and they wouldn’t be in this position. If Harry woke up, Louis would hand him all of his unused cigarettes and let him flush them, burn them, soak them, whatever he wanted to do. Anything to make him happy after the situation he was in. Louis sat on the concrete steps, rubbing his fingers through the tobacco and ash mix. Disgusting. Thoughts of lighting another one made Louis want to vomit, so he pushed the thought to the back of his mind as he looked up to see a massive car pull up in the tight, gravel driveway. Out came two tall boys in all black; Liam and Niall. Louis didn’t smile, he cried. The action was unnecessary, but needed as well as his two best mates ran to him and hugged him tightly. Dampened sobs were all that was heard as the three boys held each other. No one truly knew what was going to happen in the future with Harry, but right now they knew they at least had each other and would be his support system through it all.

“Louis, everything will be okay.” Liam mumbled into his neck, “The three of us have to be strong for Harry. He’s gonna need us when he wakes up.”

Niall and Louis shake their heads in response, not being able to speak for themselves. They’d be strong of course, but at the moment no one truly could. The trio split after one last tight squeeze and made their way into the big home that Louis bought for his family. When they all walked inside, they were met with chaos, as it usually is in the Tomlinson-Deaken household. Daisy and Phoebe running around with their dolls, giving them the illusion of flying. Johannah and Lottie bickering back and forth as they always do, and Felicite bouncing Doris on her hip while kicking a footie towards Ernest while he giggles and pushes it back weakly. Johannah quickly forgets what the anger towards Lottie when she sees Niall and Liam walk in the hallway following Louis. Her faces softens as she pulls the two into a hug, giving them both a peck on the cheek.

“Y’alright?” She questions, looking them both in the eyes.

“Yes, just a little weird, honestly, never woulda thought.” Niall murmured, looking from Jay to Liam to Louis and back to Jay. She nods and then looks to Liam, still wanting an answer.

“Yeah, I’m okay, just trying to stay strong for ‘em, especially Lou, he seems to be taking this so hard. No hope.”

Johannah agrees with this, but doesn’t want to admit to it. She smiles a sympathetic smile and goes back to finish up her disagreement with Lottie. The boys go through the fridge and seem to digest anything the can find. Phoebe and Daisy rush into the kitchen when they noticed Niall and Liam have arrived and demand hugs. The two boys embrace them strongly and place them back on the floor on their command.

At one point, Liam asks to go smoke and Louis has to drag him away from the door almost in tears, begging him to stop. Liam agrees, but looks distressed. Louis promises to explain eventually, but right at that moment it hurt too much to put forth the effort. Niall seemed to understand more than Liam which was so rare, but made Louis feel ten times satisfied.

The day went on and the three talked up loads of memories and favorite times on tour. That led to many laughs, tears, and cuddles. They watched all of their tour movies and some of their favorite interviews they ever did. By the time they decided it was time to sleep it was around 3:30 in the morning.

“9:00 A.M, we’ll go see him, alright?” Niall states, looking over to Louis who was picking at his blanket.

“Sounds fine. Goodnight. I love you guys, thank you for doing this.” Louis whispers, burrowing in his favorite blanket.

“And we love you.” Liam confirms while Niall nods in agreement.

Louis felt loved and cared for and maybe that’s what gained him some hope the next morning when we walked back into Harry’s hospital room. Of course when we walked in and saw the tragic looking Harry, his heart shattered in millions of pieces again, but this time he at least had hope for his survival. Harry was strong and Louis knew that. Louis knew that if Harry could bypass all the hatred and horror of being in the spotlight, he’d be able to get through a tough injury as well. This all made Louis realize he had to be just as strong too. He needed to keep a smile on his face and encouragement in his heart or else this whole situation could turn out worse than need be. So at that very moment, Louis silently promised himself and Harry that he would be strong for the two of them and keep on moving on no matter what the outcome of this disaster turned out to be.

Louis, Niall, Liam stayed in the room with Anne for twenty minutes, discussing what’s been happening with Harry. She explained that he’s in deep a coma and that there is a slight chance he may never wake up, but there’s a greater chance of him getting up soon. He has five broken ribs, both his legs and arms are broken, along with his collarbones and tailbone. The recovery for him will be extensive and they would have to be extremely patient. That meant their revival tour would have to be put on hold along with their appearances on different television shows. Of course, the three other boys could go on together, but why would they want to when Harry’s such a big part of them as well? They wouldn’t.

Anne eventually decided she’d leave the boys to have sometime with Harry alone and left to go find Gemma.

“He’s so….so damaged” Liam cracked, crumbling into a chair. Louis nodded, looking between the two and Harry. He wanted to be alone with him, but he also knew it was only fair to let the boys spend their time as well. So while Niall and Liam take their time visiting, he resolved to go talk a little more with Anne.

Their conversation was brief, Louis apologized excessively, she promised him it was not his fault the plane went down, but Louis continuously tried to take the blame anyways. They discussed their hope for Harry’s life and the future. Louis told her how much he loved her son and how after this he hoped they could still be together. Anne stated she’d hope they get married soon. That made Louis happier, gave him something to look forward to maybe.

Eventually the conversation was broken up by Liam and Niall exiting Harry’s room,

“It’s hard to talk to someone that can’t talk back.” Niall stated, earning chuckles from everyone around. “You can go in now, Lou. Liam and I will stay out here and keep Anne company.”

So that’s what Louis did. He entered the room and sat quietly down into the blue, fluffy hospital chair closest to Harry’s bed. For a few moments Louis just stared at him, trying to find even a slight change in the bruises and scrapes in his skin from yesterday. There was no change, but he continued searching anyways. As he explored Harry’s broken skin words of confession flooded out of his lips.

“H, I smoked a cigarette last night.. I wasn’t thinking. I’ve been so stressed out, so worried about you, you’re the only thing that’s been on my mind the past couple days. My thoughts have been a daze and all I could think of to do to relieve the stress was smoke. Then, I realized why you’re here half dead and it made me sick. I wanted to end it all as I stomped that smoke out. I was so ashamed and felt so much hatred towards myself for attempting to light up and puff again when I knew that’s the whole reason you left that night. I’m so sorry Harry, so fucking sorry, and I’d do anything to see you wake up, to hold you, to kiss your lips and tell you everything would be alright again. I can’t wait for that day. I’m praying so hard for that day it’s almost pathetic.” Louis was weeping now, droplets falling off his stubbled chin. His soft hands smoothed over Harry’s matted hair, wanting nothing more but to receive the usual smirk of his lips when Louis ran his small fingers through his hair, but of course that wasn’t possible. That pushed Louis a little too far over the edge and he decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to sit and cry next to the person who was in the most pain, so he planted a faint kiss to Harry’s forehead, smiled down upon him and walked out.

Sobs escaped almost immediately as the door swung open. Luckily, Niall and Liam were there to inundate him with hugs just as hastily.


End file.
